Being ‘in control’ is a mindset.
“Make the best use of what is in your power, and take the rest as it happens. Some things are up to us and some things are not up to us.”– Epictetus
Being in control of things outside yourself is relative to your influence over them, but being in control of yourself requires nothing more than feeling in control. This is a skill, and we can practice it.
Feeling in control requires you to acutely focus solely on the things which you can change.
We can change much more than we usually give ourselves credit. Even in times of hopelessness;
While we may have no control over a a thief who wishes to break into our home, we do have control over how we prepared we are for that possibility; installing security screens, cameras and investing in insurance are all measures we can take to minimise the possibility of disruption.
We also have power over how we react to being stolen from; we can grow fearful, bitter and angry, or we can deal with the problem as best we can, prepare ourselves better in case the circumstance arises again, and move on.
The problem with reacting angrily is that there’s nothing to be gained by allowing those emotions flourish. The thief has been and gone. There is no perpetrator to receive the justice of your anger, so what are you to do with it?
It feels good to embrace negative emotions in times like these. To imagine what you might do if you found the thief. How good you’ll feel if the police find them. You may find yourself playing these scenarios over and over in your mind, your emotion building as the visions become clearer.
But with no way to act on or utilise these feelings, thinking this way is nothing more than self-pollution.
This thinking does nothing to change what happened, nor does it aid in actually realising your imagined capture of the thief.
We can’t control the actions of others, their reactions to our actions, nor the hand we’ve been dealt in the game of life.
Unless a feeling informs action, you don’t need it. That doesn’t mean that like a stray cat it won’t try to stick around, it just means you should probably avoid feeding it incase it decides to live with you permanently.
Take care not to obsess over things which fall outside the bounds of your control. When we do, especially if the thing scares us, we often wind up ruminating; thinking in abstract circles about how concerned or bereaved we are about a problem, without committing any energy to actually resolving it.
Ruminating about problems is useless, because problems require solving.
Solving is active where rumination is passive. It implies that action is being taken in the direction of a solution.
Nobody cares how worried you are about climate change, but plenty of people care about how you’re planning to vote at the next election.
People value action because it drives progress.
We can take control of our lives by choosing to focus our attention not on rumination, but on actively seeking out problems we have the capability to solve through our own individual action.
Accept everything which you cannot change, focus solely on those things you can, and pursue them with rigour.
There is no more powerful endeavour.